Thursday, September 28, 2006

Cancer is hard on all of us

My friend has cancer. At first it was this horrid overwhelming fact. I was terrified for her and in mourning for the relationship that we had.

Today, her cancer is just a fact. I haven’t forgotten it; that diagnosis sits there on the sidelines of all my thoughts about her, still wearing that horrid fluorescent pus colored sweat-shirt, waving a sign, and yelling “She’s Got Cancer!” But I have mostly learned to tune it out.

And our relationship has taken a different path. We are closer in some ways and oh so much more remote in others. Part of me still mourns the loss of my hopes and dreams for our friendship. What I mourn most is that I don’t expect her to have the energy to spend time with me. The rest of me is thankful for the friendship and hopes that as time passes she will regain the energy to spend time doing things together.

There are a few other changes. I read Larry Sievers’ blog daily. Today’s was about how it bothered him when people tell him about someone who beat the odds. For the first time I was totally unsympathetic. My response to him read:

As insensitive as this sounds, maybe it is not about you. I can see why it bothers you. I will probably try hard not to make those statements ever again.

But maybe they are not saying it to give you hope, maybe they are saying it to give themselves 1)hope and 2)something to say as they try desperately to process this horrid piece of news. No matter how well or how casually the individual knows you, when you tell them you have cancer, you are forcing them to reassess both your relationship and their perceptions of what will be. And you bring mortality back to the forefront - no longer can it be an unwelcome guest banished to the very edge of their consciousness. It is invited in to sit next to them.

At that moment they may need to have hope for you. As a friend, colleague, or family member, they need a way to give themselves hope that they are not going to lose you. As another living individual, they need to stave off their own fears about death. And often they need to do that while simultaneously holding a conversation with you.

And most of us find frank discussions about death, particularly our own fears about death, an unacceptable topic. Particularly here in the USA, most of us have been able to avoid confronting our own mortality. So rather than discuss your possible death or their fears, they tell you the story of someone who made it, trying to give both of you some hope.

As I wrote that, I realized that we do indeed have taboos about illness and cancer that I had never recognized. Maybe we need more conversations like those that Larry Sievers has started…

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Bliss

(Note: I belong to a UU discussion group which has recently been discussing what it means to follow your bliss. This is a combination of some of my thoughts from there and where they have taken me.)

Is bliss is really separate from suffering? We have been assuming that bliss is the absence of suffering. But is it really? As a woman in the midst of a new love, I am not sure that I would say following my bliss means an absence of suffering. Maybe following your bliss simply means to following your heart, despite the suffering.
And even if we define bliss as a state of joy or happiness, then doesn't it follow that to follow your bliss means to pursue a state of joy or happiness. But that doesn't mean that selfish indulgences are inevitable. Rather, it could mean that you learn to see life in a different way. I am not saying this very well. there is page on consciousness that says it better http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/10/understanding-consciousness/ .

he says, in part, "...non-stop pervasive feeling of happiness. Perhaps a better word for it would be bliss. If you've done a lot of meditation, you've probably experienced this feeling of total oneness at some point. .... If you've read The Power of Now, I think Eckhart Tolle describes this state as a feeling of being totally in the present moment. I didn't fully understand that state when I first read the book. Now I do. This level of happiness is unconditional, not rooted in circumstances, ...”

I think the page is well worth the read. I am beginning to really feel that being present is perhaps the most spiritual and difficult thing we do. It requires that we not worry about what happened in the past or what might happen in the future. Instead we have to be right here right now. And I wonder if that is not how we find bliss – by being rooted firmly in the here and now, do we not enjoy the moment without the worries of past and future?

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Still doing a lot of thinking about what constitutes bliss. And how is bliss really different from ecstasy?

The online dictionaries have interesting definitions:

Bliss =

the highest degree of happiness; blessedness; exalted felicity; heavenly joy. http://www.selfknowledge.com/10515.htm

Or

1. Extreme happiness; ecstasy. 2. The ecstasy of salvation; spiritual joy. http://www.thefreedictionary.com/bliss and http://www.bartleby.com/61/59/B0325900.html

Or

1. complete happiness: perfect happiness 2. spiritual joy: a state of spiritual joy http://encarta.msn.com/dictionary_1861591181/bliss.html

Or

1 : complete happiness 2 : PARADISE, HEAVEN http://www2.merriam-webster.com/cgi-bin/mwdictsn?va=bliss

I was struck by how bliss has come to mean, based on these definitions, a spiritual/religous joy. But perhaps it is more than the emotion itself. Perhaps bliss is really a state of being rather than the emotion that goes with it. Perhaps following your bliss is really about pursuing a state of spiritual wellness...

Someone recently asked me what dream I most wanted to come true. I was totally stymied. I really don't have any dreams that I am not currently chasing. I live a life that is mostly what I want. I am content in myself, for the most part - and working hard at being the best person I can be. Yes, I would like to have someone to share my life who didn’t walk on 4 legs and have fur. But I don't need someone to make my life whole or perfect, it would just be nice. Does that mean that I have achieved some level of bliss?

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Still cannot define bliss but since I value the path as much as the destination, I suppose that in a way I am following my bliss. One of my biggest life lessons has been to try and learn to live in the here and now. There are so many things we can wish for and so many things we can wish were not true. But I haven't found any real power to change anything but myself. And changing me has been an intense, slow process. It is also occasionally very painful and I cannot claim to have obtained a state of persistent happiness.

I sometimes envy those with the conviction that they can really change the world. I never have felt that powerful. I might add that I am not truly sure I want to be that powerful. With great power comes great responsibility and often I am all I can cope with.